THE UNIVERSAL LAWS

SATTINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in.
THE FIRST LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE: Don't ask a barber if you need a haircut.
THE DEAN MARTIN POSTULATE: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
TINKER'S MAXIM: Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.
LISA'S FIRST LAW OF WING-WALKING: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
GOETZ'S LAW: If written correctly, legalese is perfectly incomprehensible.
KELLY'S OBSERVATION: Nobody ever puts out a sign that says "Nice Dog"
NAOMI'S SECOND LAW: If you see someone approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life.
THE I.B.M. RULE: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as twenty men working twenty years make.
SECOND LAW OF EXPLORATION: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea oil project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.
THE FIRST LAW OF PLAY: Never, never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
THE IRON LAW OF NON-RECIPROCAL EXPECTATION: Negative expectation yields negative results. Positive expectation yields negative results.
J. JOSE'S FIRST PRINCIPLE OF GOLF: Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
KAZERSKI'S SECOND LAW: If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
ALLEN'S OBSERVATION: There's no such thing as a "simple little job around the house."
FENKELL'S THIRD PRINCIPLE: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
MITCHELL'S FIRST LAW: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
MITCHELL'S SECOND LAW: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
FRASER'S RULE: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
CAMPBELL'S FIRST LAW OF PLANNING: To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit, thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.
THE SON-IN-LAW LAW: Don't worry if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want.
D'AGOSTINO'S FIRST LAW OF OBSERVATION: When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they prob- ably are thinking about lunch.
GOODRICH'S POSTULATE: Anything based on greed and avarice is on a firm footing and will prevail.
CARTER'S OBSERVATION: An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
THE LAW OF INVOICING: If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
THE PESSIMISTS' FIRST LAW: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
SITTING BULL'S OBSERVATION: Give me a home where the buffalo roam, and you've got a room full of buffalo chips.
THE LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL: Never, ever, fly on the airline of the country from which you are departing.
FINK'S LAW: No good deed will go unpunished.
THE FIRST LAW OF STROLLING: Never step in anything soft.

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