"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"

We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"

We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:"

Management won't answer questions

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"

After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"

We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"

Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"

Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"

We have no quality control.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"

You whine, you're fired. > >

*** APPLICANT SPEAK

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"

I blame others for my mistakes.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"

I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"

The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

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