A Quick Guide to Getting Around On The Internet

In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called "Information Super Highway", or "Infobahn", here is a guide to the different protocols and applications which you can use to cruise...

OSI

This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design process - almost everything has been thought of, down to the last detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons, and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick...

TCP/IP

This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter, but it's getting harder to find. It'll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and lock the wheels...

WWW

This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can think you're lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you know where you want to go, you're okay, since you can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately, they're all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out how to get there...

Mosaic

This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury model. It'll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a 5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it's quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways, whilst sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into Gracelands.

ftp

This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want. However, there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go.

telnet

This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down, can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton truck.

X Windows

This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors, sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn, and the colour of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that you realise that you never left the drive.

Windows 95

This car is in such great demand that your order cannot be delivered until next year. However, when you do get it, it looks great, a big improvement over the Windows 3 model, and it boasts a big "Highway Ready" sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to leave the car park. You get inside, and press the big red "Go InfoBahn" button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off.

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This page was last modified 452 weeks ago, on Thu Jan 10 2002.